Category: Blog

While society often reveres the ideal of maternal love, some mothers deviate from this expectation in ways that are challenging to understand. One of the most difficult situations to grasp is maternal abandonment, where a mother leaves her child either emotionally, physically, or both. The psychology behind maternal abandonment is multifaceted, involving a complex interplay of personal history, mental health issues, socio-economic pressures, and sometimes trauma, which can be as varied and intricate as the phenomenon of motherhood itself. What drives a mother to abandon her child? Is it as simple as a lack of love? Understanding this requires a deep look at the internal and external forces at play. Could the society do more to support these mothers and their children?  

In psychological terms, maternal abandonment does not necessarily mean a lack of love for the child but often indicates underlying factors that overwhelm the mother’s ability to care and connect. A foundational concept here is attachment theory, which suggests that early childhood relationships shape one’s ability to form secure connections later in life. If a mother experienced neglect, abuse, or abandonment during her own childhood, could this history make it harder for her to build a strong emotional bond with her child? For mothers who abandon their children, it’s common to find a history of disrupted or traumatic attachments.
d According to attachment theory, people who lacked secure bonds in their own childhood may struggle to offer those bonds to their children. Studies suggest that mothers with insecure attachment histories, especially those marked by neglect, abuse, or abandonment themselves, are more likely to experience challenges in forming healthy connections with their children. These early experiences create a foundation that may hinder a mother’s emotional resilience, making the demands of parenthood feel insurmountable. But here’s the real question: how much responsibility should society bear for creating a cycle where these mothers never receive the emotional support they need? What can we do to change this?  

From a socio-economic perspective, maternal abandonment is also frequently linked to poverty and a lack of resources. In South Africa, where many families face economic hardship, mothers may feel unable to meet their children’s needs despite their desires to care for them. The World Bank highlights that economic inequality in South Africa remains one of the highest in the world, with a considerable proportion of the population living in poverty. For some mothers, the relentless struggle to provide basic necessities can create a profound sense of inadequacy and despair, leading them to believe that their children would be better off without them.
This belief can be compounded by the stigma associated with poverty, where mothers may face judgment or shame for their inability to fulfil traditional maternal roles. In these cases, abandonment can be seen as an act of “perceived mercy”, a desperate attempt to offer the child a chance at a better life with someone more capable. But is this belief, understood and addressed by society? Instead of judgment, shouldn’t we as a community focus on providing support to break these cycles?  

Mental health issues, particularly depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), play a significant role in maternal abandonment. Research shows that mothers dealing with mental health challenges may struggle to engage in the bonding and nurturing behaviours typically associated with motherhood. For instance, postnatal depression can make it difficult for a mother to respond to her child’s needs, leading to feelings of guilt, hopelessness, and detachment. PTSD, often stemming from traumatic experiences like abuse, violence, or loss, can trigger avoidant behaviours as mothers may be unable to cope with the emotional intensity required for parenting.
How often do we acknowledge the profound emotional toll that these conditions take on mothers? South African research indicates that mental health resources are often limited in underprivileged communities, leaving many mothers without access to the support needed to manage these conditions. In such circumstances, a mother may retreat from her child, not out of a lack of love, but as a protective measure against what feels like an insurmountable emotional burden. Should we not be asking: where are the mental health resources for these mothers, and why are they so inaccessible? Especially when these mothers are the foundation of our future generation.  

Cultural expectations around motherhood also contribute to the phenomenon of maternal abandonment. South African society, like many others, holds strong ideals about the role of a mother, often portraying her as self-sacrificing, nurturing, and always present. But what happens when a mother can’t meet these expectations? (whether due to personal challenges, socio-economic constraints, or psychological struggles) the sense of failure can be profound. Some mothers internalise societal shame to the extent that they see themselves as unworthy or incapable of parenting, pushing them toward abandonment as a way to escape perceived inadequacy. In some cases, these societal pressures are compounded by family dynamics where the responsibility of child-rearing is offloaded to extended family members, leading to the marginalisation of the biological mother. As a result, the act of abandonment can sometimes be seen less as a personal failure and more as a social failure, with mothers becoming casualties of unyielding cultural norms.  

Trauma also frequently emerges as a recurring theme in the profiles of mothers who abandon their children. For example, mothers who were victims of abuse, whether in childhood or adulthood, may experience “re-traumatisation” through the act of caregiving. Caring for a child, particularly one in early development, requires physical closeness, emotional vulnerability, and an investment of trust all elements that can be challenging for trauma survivors. For some, the psychological toll of parenting in the face of unresolved trauma becomes unbearable, leading them to abandon their children as a form of self-preservation. The Trauma and Resilience Research Centre in South Africa emphasises that intergenerational trauma (trauma passed from one generation to the next) can play a role in maternal abandonment, where mothers replicate patterns of detachment as a coping mechanism, not fully aware of the origins of their own struggles.  

The decision to abandon a child is rarely one-dimensional and often involves intense internal conflict. For some mothers, the choice may be an agonising one made under the weight of circumstances beyond their control. Research indicates that the majority of mothers who abandon their children do so with a degree of regret and sorrow, feeling they have no viable alternative. In South Africa, where social services are stretched thin, options for struggling mothers may be limited, leaving them to make decisions based on survival rather than choice. Many face the painful reality that institutional or foster care might be the only viable option to provide for their children’s needs, even if it means separation.
This underscores the need for societal empathy and support systems that offer struggling mothers more options before abandonment becomes their only solution.   Abandonment does not mean a complete absence of love or concern. In fact, psychologists note that some mothers who abandon their children do so with the belief that they are acting in the child’s best interest, hoping to spare them from the hardships of their own lives. This perception aligns with the concept of “self-sacrificial” abandonment, where a mother consciously separates from her child because she believes that someone else can provide a better life. This form of abandonment can be particularly painful, as it requires a mother to confront her own limitations and failures, acknowledging that her love alone may not be enough to offer her child a stable future.  

The psychological consequences of maternal abandonment on children are significant, often leading to feelings of rejection, low self-worth, and trust issues that can persist into adulthood. Children who experience abandonment frequently struggle to understand why they were left behind, which can lead to questions of inherent worth and fears of being abandoned again. From a psychological standpoint, these experiences can disrupt a child’s ability to form secure attachments and may lead to behavioural and emotional issues later in life. Studies suggest that children who grow up feeling abandoned may also grapple with identity issues, often attempting to reconcile their sense of self-worth with the actions of their absent parent. This adds another layer of complexity, as maternal abandonment creates a cycle of emotional scars that can affect both the mother and her child, leaving lasting impressions on both lives.
One of the most striking aspects of maternal abandonment is that it is not always permanent. Some mothers, particularly those who abandoned their children out of dire necessity, later attempt to reconnect, hoping to mend broken bonds and offer explanations for their actions. The reconciliation process is rarely straightforward and often requires significant healing and emotional labour. In South Africa, organisations focused on family reunification emphasise the importance of providing counselling and support for both the mother and child, as rebuilding trust after abandonment is a sensitive and complex process. The pain caused by abandonment, though significant, can sometimes be transformed into a pathway for growth and understanding, but only if both parties are willing and supported in their journey.  


 The Village That Judges What has happened to the old saying, “It takes a village to raise a child”? The ideal of a supportive, collective effort to nurture children has been replaced by quick judgment and societal indifference. How can we, as a community, do better? How can we provide support to mothers with the help they need (emotional support or just being present) rather than judging them for their perceived failures? Isn’t it time we rethink the way we approach motherhood, offering empathy instead of shame? And, most importantly, how can we change the narrative that leaves mothers to fend for themselves, when a supportive community could make all the difference? The profiles of mothers who abandon their children highlight the challenges of reconciling societal ideals of motherhood with individual realities. While society may stigmatise these mothers, understanding the root causes of abandonment reveals that many are caught in situations beyond their control, forced to make decisions they never imagined. Through this lens, maternal abandonment becomes less an act of cruelty and more a tragic intersection of personal struggle, mental health, and social disadvantage. By examining maternal abandonment compassionately, we can broaden our understanding of motherhood to encompass its challenges as well as its ideals, recognising that every mother’s story is shaped by her unique circumstances, battles, and ultimately, her humanity.  

Sources:

1. Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
2. Posel, D., & Devey, R. (2006). “The demographics of fatherhood in South Africa.” Human Sciences Research Council, 45(2), 36-49.
3. Cooper, P. J., & Murray, L. (1998). “Postnatal depression and child development.” British Medical Bulletin, 54(4), 105-116.
4. Wild, L. G., Flisher, A. J., Bhana, A., & Lombard, C. (2004). “Associations among adolescent risk behaviours and self-esteem in six domains.” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 45(8), 1454-1460.
5. Tomlinson, M., Cooper, P., & Swartz, L. (2004). “Post-partum depression and interactions in a South African peri-urban settlement.” Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 39(8), 620-625.
6. World Bank. (2021). South Africa Economic Update: Focus on Inequality.
7. Van der Merwe, A., & Dawes, A. (2000). “Structural violence and emotional health in South African children.” Developmental Psychology, 36(2), 329-337.
8. Trauma and Resilience Research Centre, South Africa. (2023). Annual Report on Intergenerational Trauma in SA.